The following are some words and also some practices that help with codependency. This is partially inspired by the upcoming Virgo Solar Eclipse (Sep 21) that speaks to themes involving the unification of masculine and feminine and the need for strong boundaries, discipline, and spiritual understanding to do so. There is some incredible geometry in the eclipse chart. Specifically there is a triple yod, with a ton of emphasis on Mars, Venus, and especially Saturn. (Saturn is both the focal point of this triple yod, as well as opposite the New Moon.)

Saturn has been the focal point among all the visible planets (which make up the core of our personality) lately with the near conjunction to Neptune and the close sextiles to Uranus and Pluto. 

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Discipline, discipline, discipline. Perseverance. Rest. Humility. Cooperation. Pain. Struggle. Making it through. Knowing oneself the way you can only know when you’ve been left alone and in the cold for a while. Growing up. Maturing. Being better.

These are all Saturnian qualities/themes that we’re feeling and stepping into. Be grateful if you have the opportunity to change and level up and really face your pain. Not everyone gets that opportunity, and there are payoffs. Saturn is the Lord of Karma, both negative and positive. Face your requirements and create blessings for the future.

Note: I have split this piece on codependency into a “theory” and a “practice” section. We need both!

Theory

The root of codependence is depending on another person to feel good about myself. And the root of that is fear of expressing my true self. The root of that could be many things, but it is always related to our inheritance and upbringing. Our parents were fearful to express certain aspects of themselves (getting these fears from their parents) and they put these onto us.

In doing so, they were operating in the only way they knew how. To not force us into the same do-or-die self-protection as us would be to them to let us die. It is no less frightening than watching their child run out in front of traffic. It is no less frightening than them running out in front of traffic.

It might be a little surprising. What’s so dangerous about being myself? We might think of being myself as that way I danced as a child that my mother didn’t like. It might be the way I pronounced certain words. It might be my mannerisms or any number of things. None of these seem dangerous and none of these are dangerous. But of course these are reflections of a whole way of life, a way of life that will grow and develop as we grow and develop, a way that may not always be so simple.

For example, just to give one example, consider how practicing “witchcraft” was punishable by death. Really practicing “witchcraft” is simple and harmless in its natural forms. We might whisper a wish into a flower and then blow it. We might write a note or intention and bury it in the yard so that it can sprout and fulfill our wish. We might light a candle and pray to a deceased loved one whose presence we feel. All of these could be considered “witchcraft”, but it’s also just people behaving naturally.

What made this punishable was the fact that the people who behaved in these natural ways, were connected to nature and living intentionally, would not stand by and let arrogant, manipulative leaders continue. They at least would point out what they saw.

The fact that the leaders then would punish just goes to show that what they saw had some truth to it, and it just went to show how shameless and how unwilling to take responsibility those leaders were. This has been happening for hundreds, thousands of years and this is just one kind of inherited fear that we all (and especially women) carry. The “witch wound”.

When I connect my shadows and fears to bodily sensations, so much of mine lives in my knees. I’m literally weak in the knees, unable to be myself for fear of retribution.

The solution is not to curse myself, curse my lineage, or try to force myself to be stronger. It is simply to acknowledge where I am at and accept it. I do not have to force myself to be stronger, as I face what is, I naturally become stronger. I become psychologically stronger and that nourishes my total being. When I am faced with reminders of my wounding, I become less and less triggered, less and less phased by them.

Life is the teacher. All I have to do is commit.

As I commit, and as I learn from Life, I heal my upbringing. As I heal my upbringing, I heal my ability to be myself. As I am able to be myself, I no longer need others to feel good about myself. And as I no longer need others to feel good about myself, my relationships are fair and pure and allow growth, freedom, and cooperation for both parties. There is no controlling or possession, no manipulation, only a flowing together and apart like water in a winding and branching stream.

…easier said than done of course, but Life will make sure of it, with perfect pacing and perfect timing and certainly a lot of pain and challenge along the way. 

What is it all for? For that feeling of life as it is now, a feeling that improves as we improve, becomes richer as we become purer. Eventually we can be like water itself, and I wonder: how would that feel?

Practice

When considering any relationship, the success and flourishing of that relationship always comes back to our relationship with ourselves.

This is a difficult relationship to understand or step back from because we are usually so busy being in it. But that is where meditation comes to help, to give us that awareness that allows us to step back. The higher self is Pure Peace. When we’re mired in self-judgment and all forms of not treating ourselves well, this peace can be especially welcome.

It’s not always easy to tap into, but that’s why having a routine, an achievable, reasonable routine, like 15 minutes in the morning, even 10 minutes to start is the way to go, as opposed to setting some unreasonable ideal for oneself, that just becomes a new way not to be healthy.

Personally I practice a combination of (1) kundalini yoga, (2) kriya yoga, and (3) “regular yoga” (a.k.a. vinyasa) or just stretching.

For kundalini, I learned this especially from Ayla Rose (a great kundalini teacher and overall wise and powerful woman at Mystic Flora). But as a bread-and-butter practice I like this chakra clearer by Yogigems. 

By “kriya yoga” I mean specifically two breathing practices which I learned from Ryan Kurczak. Occasionally these kinds of breathing techniques are included in kundalini. You can certainly mix-and-match in your practice. But I consider these two categories.

Finally, vinyasa or stretching. I am not particularly skilled or proficient at this. I tend to go through a short flow or stretching (though certainly I could benefit from doing more).

I tend to have a love-hate relationship with routine. I love it and am very routine-centric. But I also love and need constant variety. For example I may go to the same coffee shop every day, but mix up the drink I order to keep it somewhat fresh. Similarly, I don’t do the same yoga practice every day. I feel into what I want and need.

Generally-speaking, it’s good to be consistent and do a practice every day. (Also I think that it becomes something we do want or need every day when we’re doing one every day.) But I am not militant about regularity. Things come up, other responsibilities or priorities, where I skip my morning practice. Let’s not forget that all of life is spiritual, all of life is our practice, so we don’t want to compartmentalize. It’s just that these practices do really help, are really enjoyable or enriching themselves, and their benefits spread out to the rest of our day.

I also of course recommend astrology as a framework for self-understanding. I recommend journaling, and I recommend any and every practice, framework, job, responsibility, challenge that life inspires you towards or throws your way. But I call out meditation here because it can be one of those things we think we should do but never actually do, for a whole variety of reasons.

Ease your way in. There is no “right way” to do it. It is right if it is helpful and if it’s actually achievable. If you find it fairly easy to do on a regular basis. It is not a panacea or fix-all. But it can be a vital, enriching part of life, and very helpful for relationships—starting with ourselves and then sprouting and expanding to others.

Have a good eclipse! Feel free to leave a comment with anything that comes up for you. Thanks for reading and for (hopefully) doing the work 🙏