You can fix your car. You can even fix your life in certain ways. But you definitely can’t “fix” your emotions.

Forgive me if this is a rather elementary realization. I am late to the game in understanding and expressing emotions. (The Moon is conjunct my North Node and anything conjunct the North Node is something we’re working on, that will take some time to develop.)

The desire to fix is so deeply ingrained in our culture. Everything is a problem that needs to be fixed. Everything is a label, something chronic, something that makes us deficient and in need of medication.

I’ve long since shied away from that medical world but I didn’t realize how much conditioning from it I still carried. Perhaps it also has to do with my male brain in the unfamiliar world of emotions. Not saying that as an excuse. I am excited and fascinated to explore this world. Just as a possible explanation (and yes, an excuse too).

What I want to say is that some conditions that we might even label as “diseases” are just getting stuck in an emotional state. The emotions are meant to flow and pass and allow newness in, but we get stuck along the way. Nothing too surprising about that idea, right? 

Let me illustrate with some examples from my own life. The emotions in question involve loneliness, sadness, and also a feeling of inadequacy. Others too, but those are the main ones.

Example 1: Dogsitting

Recently I dogsat for a friend. I live alone. I have a cat, but it is a “joint-custody” cat, so I only have her part of the time. While I was dogsitting, I did not have my cat because they almost certainly wouldn’t get along.

Anyways, this dogsitting was a pretty big chore. It was an enjoyable chore and I love this dog (though I wouldn’t want her permanently!) But it was a decent amount of work. She loves attention and is a high maintenance, pure-breed dog.

When my friend came back to town, and I gave her her dog back, I didn’t really miss having her. I was relieved. And yet I noticed myself, with less busyness at the house, dropping into more moods of loneliness. More depression.

I spent a good portion of a day depressed (which for me is nothing too out of the ordinary), but it didn’t last too long because I had a lot of work obligations in the subsequent days.

Example 2: No Work!

Recently, and not too long after the dogsitting, I quit my job. (I mentioned this in a previous post.)

This is something I planned to do, that worked out well. (The departure was amiable and felt right over all, which given the number of unpleasant departures in my life, is something very special.) I’m glad I did it. But naturally it opened up a lot of space.

Some of that space filled easily. I am able to juggle more studies, and I always have my writing and other obligations that come up. But there are many hours in the day! And many hours by my lonesome. (I also have Moon in the 7th house, so that’s part of the picture too, though I don’t intend to go into those details.) Let’s just say that I am not naturally good at being alone, though I have developed a decent capacity through experience…

Okay, so some loneliness comes in again. Depression. And for me these naturally lead to feelings of inadequacy because, I’ve realized, I equate my self-worth with doing things for others. (This is very common I know, hence why I wanted to share.)

The Pattern

The pattern for me goes like this: Doing Tasks -> Tasks Complete -> Space Opens Up in My Days -> Loneliness Creeps In -> Inadequacy Creeps In -> Longing for a Person Creeps In -> Fantasy Life Creeps In -> …

Previously, or up until this point I should say, that chain might continue indefinitely. I’ve kind of whittled down on the fantasy life and the longing. But that loneliness, depression, and inadequacy could continue for an extended time. Until the fortune of new opportunities appeared. (Though who knows how long that could take?)

Now, however, discovering this pattern, I hope that the chain can end with Peace & Acceptance. I can tell myself “You’re doing great. You did a good job. Now you’ve just got some time to rest. It doesn’t make you inadequate that you’ve got this free time. It’s only that you just recently had a change…”

Why it Took Me So Long

And of course, why it took me so long to realize this pattern was because I was so quick to try to fix or label myself. When I fell into a depression, after some change in schedule, I just wanted to escape this problem state, and to bully myself.

But isn’t this just a natural flow? Obligations come and go. When they go, time and space naturally frees up. Why should I get stuck in negativity because of this natural flow? Not a very good way to reward myself or love myself…

Your Turn

You don’t have to share, but I wonder:

• Do you notice any patterns like this in yourself?
• If you’re currently stuck in a negative funk, what change happened recently? Or if you’ve been stuck many times in the past, what changes precipitated those?
• Do you tie your self-worth to what you can do for others?
• If you have been in an extended negative funk, what was the change that precipitated that? Is there anything that wants to move, so that you can continue moving forward?

Even in the case of chronic depression or many long-lasting emotional states, I think it is getting stuck in a way that is not all that different from the simple cases I described above. 

I’ve been quite lonely and quite fantasy-prone since I’ve been single. But then again I was terribly codependent, terribly fantasy-prone, and terribly indulgent while I was not single. So I’m not upset. I am moving through, and I see how this is all very necessary and very productive.

But it can be hard! We even come to identify with our negative emotions, to find in them our only comfort or security—though there do exist other comforts and other securities.

I hope this self-reflection helps. It’s not about fixing. It’s more about observing, recognizing, and accepting. We can’t make the bad feelings go away, but we can remove blocks that impede their natural flow and cleansing.

So let it flow! 🌊🙏